


of loss & love

by frustrated_writer



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, My First Fanfic, Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 20:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21087197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frustrated_writer/pseuds/frustrated_writer
Summary: Merlin confronted his feelings after burying it for years. It's time for his Queen to know the truth.





	of loss & love

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first ever attempt to write. I am more of a fanfic reader (binge reader to be exact) than of a writer. So I hope this will not be a disgrace for the fandom. It's short but I hope you'll enjoy it. All the love for Merlin.

"You loved him," Gwen tried to search for her friend's eyes but they're just too far away masked with grief and longingness. She felt her lips twitch into a small smile finally understanding how this man in front of her willingly risked his own life countless times, gave his unwavering loyalty, summoned deadly lightnings and endured a whole decade of hiding his real power whilst protecting his King, his friend, his _destiny_.

Merlin took a shaky breath as he met his Queen's kind eyes, "I love him." There was no longer a point of denying it anymore. Three simple words of hundreds of unsaid feelings buried deep down in his aching soul. Saying it out loud, admitting it to the wife of the man he only loved was both a relief and a burden as the plain guilt weighed him further more.

Gwen rose from her seat, a sad smile painted on her face as tears rolled down on her cheeks. "He never admitted it, but I know how much he felt the same for you. Yet I know he loved me too, but he's never been mine alone."

A deafening silence surrounded the chambers that seemed like forever only to be broken my Merlin's hitching breath and muffled sobs which then turned into a wailing of years worth of agony and endless torment. The unwelcome reality sinking in how death unfairly claimed their King. Merlin's knees gave up with a loud thud on the floor.

_No man is worth your tears._ The irony of such words with the truth that Arthur has always been worthy of every drop of his tears—of every inch of Merlin's sole existence. _I use my magic for you Arthur, only for you._ "Yet I failed him. With all my magic, with all my love, I couldn't save him. I'm sorry, Gwen! This is all my fault. It was supposed to be my destiny to protect him, help him unite the lands of Albion, and restore magic in its rightful place. But he died in my arms and there was nothing I could do!", Merlin bowed his head, hands clasped in his heart, pleading to Gwen and to the rest of Camelot for forgiveness. He failed them all.

Gwen sank into the floor and cradled Merlin in her arms like a babe, rocking him lightly and whispering soothing prayers. But guilt and grief had taken their toll, from what it felt like hours they both just stayed like that held in each others arms—mourning for the man they both lost and loved.

\-------------------

Gauis helped Merlin pack for his journey back home to Ealdor. Although with a heavy heart, he knew it's for the best. Leaving Camelot will help Merlin to live and move on. 

"Thank you, Gaius, really. For everything you've done for me. I can't thank you enough. It has been mum's best decision to make me come to you. I'm sorry for the heap of trouble I caused you too. And I also need to say this, I will actually miss your hearty porridge," Merlin chuckled trying to make the goodbye a little lighter for the both of them.

Gaius gave him a proud fatherly smile that Merlin had always looked forward to every time he came home successfully from a quest on saving Camelot or Arthur from—_but this time I failed and I don't deserve their kindess._ Merlin couldn't miss the taint of sadness _or was it disappointment_ in Gaius' eyes. Gaius might have heard his thoughts because the next thing he felt was Gaius' warm embrace and Merlin could no longer suppress his tears.

"My boy, you're like the son I never had and I pray that you would learn to forgive yourself. It will take time but take heart, my child, you will heal and be at peace once again," Gaius cupped Merlin's face, wiped his tears and pressed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I would also have your favorite meal waiting for you whenever you decide to come back in Camelot."

Merlin could no longer stay in Camelot. He would just be a walking testament of his failure to save her King. He couldn't fathom living with the people he had let down. And what was even left for him to stay? A part of him—the _half of him_ died in Avalon as well.

"Merlin!"

Gwen was on the steps walking hurriedly towards Merlin looking very much regal on her emerald gown. Her eyes were still puffy but she looked as breathtakingly beautiful as ever with her lovely smile.

"Are you leaving without properly saying goodbye?", Gwen asked Merlin with a teasing tone.

A wave of guilt washed over Merlin once again. His confession last night still rings in his ears. But more than of guilt, the feeling of regret and longiness now echo in his heart as well. "Of course not, Milady. My apologies. You were in council and I did not want to interrupt."

Gwen gave her a gentle smile and turned to Gaius. "Gaius, I'd like to talk with Merlin for a while if that's alright."

"Of course, Milady," Gaius bowed and gave Merlin a last embrace, "Take care, child."

As soon as Gaius left, Gwen took a deep breath and unwrapped the cloth that Merlin noticed she's been holding tightly since she arrived. "There's something I need to give to you before you leave. I believe this truly belongs to you," she handed him a brooch engraved with a sigil.

"What is this, Milady?", Merlin carefully studied the engravings of a bird. Then all of a sudden the realization on what it really is struck him. _He can't. He doesn't deserve it._

_"_It bears Igraine's sigil," Gwen dried the tears on her cheeks that she did not realize were rolling down again. She already felt numb. 

With all the _strength_ and _courage_ left in him, he looked her in the eye and shook his head, "Gwen, no. I can't."

She cupped his face and wiped the tears already forming on his eyes, "I'd like you to take it. _He'd like you to take it_."

Merlin felt his magic surge inside him. It is like singing, _rejoicing_. A comforting warmth filling him in. His magic knew this is a part of Arthur—his other side of the coin, the other half that makes him whole. Merlin closed his eyes and let his magic renew him, _revive him_. He swayed a little bit and felt Gwen's shoulders support him.

As Merlin opened his eyes, Gwen saw the ambers fade. _Merlin is magic._ The thought of it still sends chills in Gwen's spine, but she also understand now that everything she knew is wrong. _Magic is not evil. Merlin has never been evil._

"Gwen, thank you. Not only for sharing this part of Arthur, but for everything else as well. You've always been a friend of mine. And please forgive me that I decide to leave today."

"No, Merlin. Don't apologize. You already did so much for me, for Camelot. It's time for you to find your healing. But whenever you decide to go back, remember that you'll always have a place in the heart of Camelot."

"You too, Gwen. We will both heal. And you are to be the greatest Queen of Albion. Arthur will guide you still," Merlin held Gwen's hands and gave her a peck on her cheeks.

"We both lost the man we loved, Merlin. Live for him."

"I will, Milady."

fin.


End file.
